Heard at the Valhalla poker room, at the $4/$8 Limit Omaha High/Low half kill table:
Hector (BB, kill pot): "I raise with crap. Give up, you are beat! Here, look!" He exposed a Jack of clubs and a Deuce of diamonds.
Button: "You know I'm going to call you ... "
Hector: "Call? You better cap it or I'll call you chickensh*t."
The SB, who had yet to act, called the Button's preflop raise. An EP caller obliged and capped it. The Button, SB, and BB called. The flop came down 9s 8c 7s.
EP: "Oh, now I'm good."
Hector: "Bullsh*t!" He bet after the SB checked. "Raise it up and give me some cover!"
EP: "Okay." He raised. The Button called. The SB folded.
Hector: "You don't got sh*t." He made it 3 bets. "Cap it! Cap it! Cap it! Aww, #$#(*#$*@!" EP and Button called. The turn came 9s 8c 7s 7d.
Hector: "Dealer, who told you to pair the board? You aren't getting a tip from me."
Button: (softly, to the CO) "You aren't tipping him because you aren't going to win this pot."
Everyone checked. The river came 9s 8c 7s 7d 5d. SB checked.
Hector: "Is there a low? Sh*t, now I can't scoop." He bet, EP raised.
Hector: "Oh, now you grow some balls, huh? F*cking Ace-Deuce! I had you beat." Button folded, SB folded. "I call so you can show your f*cking, pardon my language, Ace-Deuce."
EP showed Ad Ks 3d 2h for the nut low. Hector showed Jc 8h 3c 2d for two-pair with Jack kicker, good enough to win the high.
Hector: "I told you my crap would win! No tip for you, dealer, for pairing the board instead of dealing a ten!"
I had been wanting to try the Limit Omaha High/Low game at Valhalla but three things had prevented me up until now:
- It was $4/$8 with a half kill to $6/$12, a bit above my usual bankroll.
- There was only ever one table open and it was usually packed with regulars who could outplay circles around me.
- The game loves to break my heart.
Even though LO/8 hates me, I don't hate it. In fact, I love the game. We have a love/hate relationship. Her siren call was drawing me in. I was way up from a good run in limit Hold'em and had the bankroll to play $6/$12. There was a long wait for my usual $3/$6 LHE game, so I thought, now is as good a time as any. Less than five minutes later I was seated at the Omaha table.
The table was unusually loud and animated. Whenever I've checked it out before from the rail, it resembled a graveyard in a rock quarry. Professor Hector, in Seat 2, was the loudest of them all. He was playing every single hand and always for a raise. When he was UTG he'd put in a live straddle. When he had a kill button he'd raise out of turn. If you were in the hand with him, you had better be prepared for a constant barrage of trash talk. I'm not sure why the regulars called him "The Professor," but he sure had a Ph.D. in trash talking.
Dollar signs started appearing before my eyes. The ideal situation for a conservative Omaha player like me is a crazy-loose table. All I had to do was wait for a monster flop with a monster starter and I was going to make $200+ in a single hand. I'd have to do my best imitation of a factory worker in a linen factory and fold, fold, fold, but the payoff was going to be gimungus.
Meanwhile, I had plenty to entertain me.
As usual, Hector had made sure that preflop was capped. Three players saw the flop of Tc 9c 8c.
Hector (SB): "Oh sh*t! I already have a straight!" He exposed Qc Jh and bet. The other two players called. The turn made it Tc 9c 8c 6h.
Hector: "Dealer, no more low cards." He bet, the other two called. "C'mon, you pussies! Raise it up! I only have a straight!" The river came Tc 9c 8c 6h 4c.
Hector: "M#*$#$*f#$#. You're fired!" He bet, the next player called, the third raised.
Hector: "Ace-Deuce, Ace-Deuce! Everyone has Ace-Deuce!" Hector reraised to 3 bets, putting him all-in. "Cap it, don't just call, or I'll call you chickensh*t!" The middle guy called, the raiser called. As soon as the last player called ...
Hector: "Everyone can see I have a straight." Hector did not show his other cards yet. The middle player showed A3 for low. The raiser, with a big smile on his face, showed Jc 2c for Jack high flush.
Dealer: (To Hector) Do you have a low?
Hector: "Of course I have a low! I have the nuts!" Hector turned over his other two cards, 4s and ... Ac.
Everyone was shaking their heads at the dumb joke, since his low was counterfeited. The player with the Jack high flush was laughing it up with the low winner. Nobody saw what the dealer saw, until he pushed half the pot to Hector.
Jack Flush Player: Hey! I won the high.
Dealer: No, I'm sorry. Hector has the nut flush.
Sure enough, all that slight of hand exposing the QJo and having a straight made us all forget that the Ac gave Hector the nut flush, since the Queen was the Qc. He had totally slow rolled the nuts.
Hector did a little victory dance and said: "Ha ha! My balls are too big for you!"
Low hand winner: "Oh yeah, let's see them. I'll give you all the money in front of me if you drop your pants." Hector turned around and showed his butt crack. "Nice. Let's see what you got in front. I bet it's tiny. I'll need a microscope."
Hector continued to trash talk, slow roll, and LAG his way into every pot. Nobody wanted to report his foul language or slow-rolling, which would normally earn at least a warning. We wanted him to stay at the table. If that meant listening to all that noise, no problem.
How did I do? I only played one hand. Hector got up to take a piss and I was able to limp into a pot from the Button without having to worry about paying 4 bets. The flop came down Th 4h 4d, everyone checked. The turn made it Th 4h 4d Jh. Everyone checked again. The river made it Th 4h 4d Jh 4s. Checked to me, I said, "Well, if no one wants this pot," I bet $8. All the rocks shook their heads, knowingly folding their hands, muttering, "You flopped a full house." I got one caller that threw the chips right in front of me and said, "Show it to me."
So I did, Ac Ad 8c 2s. Not exactly flopped, but good enough to scoop the pot.